Do I Need A Best Man?

Chances are, you and your partner have had many, many great friends throughout your lives. Perhaps you religiously email a handful of confidants weekly and your partner gabs away on the phone with a pal almost daily. Both of you enjoy catching up with the small armies of friends on Facebook, too. Now you are planning on exchanging your vows and the question arises, “Who will be in your wedding party?”

Maybe you have attended weddings where bands of men and women outfitted in matching attire stroll gracefully, arm-and-arm, preceding the guest of honor. Perhaps you have even dreamed of what your beautiful crew would be wearing, and which people would look best together. I never dreamed about my wedding but (admittedly) when I would see a great bridesmaid pictorial, I would imagine my wedding party. But how would I ever make the call? (Even thinking about this topic after my wedding makes me feel squeamish because I cringe at the idea of not including someone.)

There are a lot of conflicting stories about the actual history of this tradition. The best I can tell is that originally the bridesmaids were young women of marrying age that would attend to the bride the day of her wedding. The head, of course, was known as the Maid of Honor (Matron if married). The idea was said to have begun as a way to trick evil spirits in attendance at a marriage, as per Roman Law, which required that their be witnesses for this very purpose. The groomsmen were also said to be close to the groom and attend to him on his wedding day and basically satisfied the same role as the bridesmaids. (Though, there is also some information out there that suggests that the groomsmen were guards for the bride.)

Are you contemplating whether or not you would like to have a wedding party? If you are anticipating evil spirits in attendance, attempting to sabotage your nuptials, then you best have a large wedding party! Be sure that all are wearing the same ensemble to fool them! If you are not superstitious and still would like a wedding party because you enjoy the tradition, c’est la vie.

What do you do if you are sisterless, or brotherless, or friendless? What do you do if you have tens of siblings, your partner has none or tens, and you both have many friends? The obvious answer is to ask all of them to play a role. Does it have to be the role in the wedding party? No, of course not. Sometimes people opt out of having a wedding party due to dynamics with friends or family and sometimes it is just a personal decision. I personally did not have a wedding party. This was a difficult decision that I do not mean to make too light of. Consciously, making this choice probably hurt some people’s feelings. My partner has two brothers.

Our solution was simple: we created a wedding community. Almost everyone was included in some manner. As I have mentioned in a previous post, we asked my mother-in-law to be the officiate, brothers were asked to assist with logistics, friends were enlisted to bake cakes and help cook, parents made video montages and gave speeches. One friend composed a song for us and performed it to kick off our ceremony. We found a way to distribute work and fun. Neither of us had official bachelor or bridal nights out. We each went to dinner with a group of our closest pals and family members. After our separate jaunts we all met up at a rooftop bar and had a drink together. Other than that, we positioned everything we did as communal; all invitations were extended to everyone in town with the understanding that anyone could opt out.

This is one approach for you too. People want to help you. Even if you have the world’s most fabulous wedding coordinator and his staff at your wedding, the people closest to you are going to want to help you. Let them. Ask pals to email you ideas that they find or inspiration they come across. You would be surprised by how happy this makes people. Even if you are not interested in what they send you, be kind and thank them for thinking of you.

As you both know, making decisions where people’s feelings are involved is never easy. If you choose to have a wedding party, chances are you will not include everyone that may have wanted to be included. If you want to include the person in your wedding but aren’t having a traditional affair where they are asked to do a reading then including special people in some other capacity is thoughtful. Maybe you have some of your friends read poems at the ceremony. There are plenty of opportunities to include people. Just remember that everyone loves you and wants to celebrate with you.